Most 30 something women in the UK have heard the phrase BDSM at one point or another. Chances are, you were probably introduced to it by a certain Christian Grey and Ana Steele. BDSM seems to have become less taboo and more widely discussed since the 50 Shades books were released, anyway. So with that in mind, today I thought I’d share a BDSM for beginners breakdown. This should help you to understand what it involves and how some aspects work. In the interest of full disclosure – I am no expert!

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BDSM For Beginners

The first thing you need to know when it comes to BDSM is what the letters stand for. Sex educator Lola Jean describes it as…

“BDSM is broken into three subcategories… Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. This is the overall umbrella where most kinks fall. It can contain all elements or only one – BDSM holds no judgment.”

Before you join a fetish dating site, it’s worth finding out more about what BDSM involves. So let’s discuss each of these three subcategories in more detail:

Bondage / Discipline

Bondage and discipline is basically the consensual physical restraint of a sexual partner. In most cases, this is done with the purpose of inflicting pain, punishment, or humiliation. Bondage is a common fantasy for both men and women. Additionally, many couples have experimented with bondage at one point or another. Many times, without realising it was a BDSM act. Holding your partner down, spanking them, or pulling their hair back all count as Bondage or Discipline. A much smaller portion of the population regularly practice BDSM while actually realising what they are doing.

Dominance / Submission

If you’re familiar with 50 shades of Grey, you probably know that the dominant partner is the one who takes the lead. The submissive is the one who follows orders. Some couples swap and change their roles – these are known as Switch. For some people, the thought of handing over entire control is frightening. For others, it’s exhilarating. You can of course make sure it’s safe by implementing safe words. This means the submissive can stop the experience any time they want to.

Still not convinced you want to be dominated? Think of it like this… Imagine being ordered you to lie down so your partner could pleasure you for hours… The only catch is you’re not allowed to orgasm… yet. The dominant partner controls when the submissive partner can climax. It could be minutes, or hours, or even days in some cases! Imagine how intense the grand finale would be after that!

Sadism/Masochism

Sadism means to obtain pleasure from inflicting pain and suffering on another. This may be of a sexual nature, but it may not. Masochism means to obtain pleasure by pain and suffering being inflicted on oneself. Again, Masochism may or may not be of a sexual nature. Sadism and Masochism are frequently abbreviated to S&M. This tends to be the most extreme and less practiced area of BDSM. You can find lots more advice at subs-and-doms.com.

Getting Started

If you decide to delve into BDSM, it’s important to remember you don’t have to do all aspects of it. You could start with some light bondage and spanking, and completely leave pain out of it. Each couple’s BDSM journey will be personal to them, and it’s important to discuss limits and hard no’s with your partner before play. Additionally, agree on a safe word (or action if you’re being gagged) which will halt play.

Finally, I hope this post on BDSM for beginners has been useful. Why not check out more of my sex and relationships posts here.

Autumn is pretty much here now. So alongside the pumpkin spice lattes and Parkin comes a sudden surge in singles looking for a date. There’s something about the longer, colder evenings which seem to make most humans want to find someone to snuggle up with. I’m no exception to that myself. You can’t beat a roaring fire, box set and someone to cuddle up on the sofa with. So with that in mind, today I am discussing finding romance in your local area. Read on for some suggestions of places to go to find Mr or Miss Right (or Right Now, if you prefer).

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Finding Romance In Your Local Area

Swiping left and right is all well and good when you mostly want some online fun. However, when you’re looking for someone to cuddle up with, it’s not necessarily the way to go. Whether you’re looking for someone on the Oxfordshire Dating Scene, or in the middle of Soho, there’s bound to be a local website to meet your needs. It seems that smaller, more localised sites are the place to go to find steady romance in your local area now. So if you’re bored of swiping and casual encounters, it might be worth looking for a more niche site. Don’t worry if you’re not looking for a Date In Oxfordshire either. Once you’ve registered, you can type in your postcode and it’ll find singles local to your area.

Blind Dates

When I hear the term “Blind Date”, I immediately think of the cheesy 1980’s – 90’s TV show. Come on – We all loved a bit of Cilla on a Saturday night. Don’t be afraid of letting your friends set you up on a blind date – you can always ask for their mobile number in advance, to see if there’s any chemistry there. I can’t promise the match maker won’t wish you a “lorra lorra luck, and a lorra lorra laughs”, but I am fairly confident in promising no shoulder pads will be required!

Autumn Fun

This is the perfect time to get involved with local community events. Whether you head down to the local pub’s Halloween disco, or your local community Bonfire… Both are great locations to scout for potential dates. Halloween is the ideal time to take a few risks and show your naughty side – if you have one. While Bonfire Night is all about looking for someone to keep you warm. Both lend themselves perfectly to finding someone to keep you company…

Volunteering

If you don’t fancy getting cosy at home on your own, you could always consider doing some volunteering. Soup kitchens in particular are always looking for extra hands when the weather turns. You never know – as well as getting a warm glow from giving back to those in need in your local community… You might just meet Mr Right too!

Finally, if these tips on finding romance in your local area have been useful, why not check out my relationships category here.

If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, getting back into dating can seem beyond daunting. Especially as so much focus seems to have shifted from meeting in the real world, to swiping on apps. So with that in mind, today, I’m sharing some tips and ideas to help ease newly singles back into the dating scene.

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Getting Back Into Dating

The first thing is definitely the most important in my book. Don’t feel pressured. Some people come out of a long term relationship and immediately want to get back onto the metaphorical dating horse. Others need time to heal and grow. There is no right or wrong length of time to wait – just make sure you feel ready.

Additionally, it’s important you feel comfortable in whichever approach you take to dating. Some people may want to dive right into online dating apps, and swipe until their heart is content. Others may opt for a more traditional approach, and do a little flirting in the office, or at a bar. As long as you plan your date well and make sure you’re safe, do what feels right for you.

Online Dating

If you decide to give online dating a try, there are loads of options available now. Everything from hook ups to Isle Of Man Dating is there for the taking. For a lot of people, deciding what they are looking for can be tricky, so it’s worth thinking about it before you sign up. If you’re looking for no strings fun. choose a service aimed at people looking for the same. Some people want to go straight back to hearts and flowers, so should avoid casual meet up services. Additionally, if you want to find someone close to where you live, it’s worth looking for a local service like Date In Isle Of Man.

Bar Life

For me, the best of both worlds was always meeting someone in a bar. Definitely not a club as they don’t allow much in the way of conversation. Smiling as the guy next to you as you wait to get your drink and striking up a conversation is always good fun. Whether it leads to a date or not.

Office Romance

If you choose to go down the more traditional office romance route, it’s a good idea to think through the worst case scenarios first. If you end up dating your boss and it goes wrong, where would that leave you? Or if a co-worker starts sharing your adventures with the team, would that be a problem? It’s worth having these conversations in the early days of your dating relationship.

In my experience, the office Christmas Party is not the best place to start seeing someone from work. All it takes is one too many shandies and you run the risk of being all awkward for the rest of your time sharing a workplace.

Finally if you’ve found these tips on getting back into dating useful, why not check out more of my relationships posts here.

It’s safe to say the weather is turning now. The nights are starting to draw in and the evenings are cooler. Traditionally, this is the time of year when more and more singles begin looking for a partner to cosy up with during the cold winter months. With that in mind, today, I am sharing some tips for dating in Autumn. Whether you’re looking for a romantic walk in the woods, or a cosy night in… read on for tips and inspiration when planning your date.

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Tips For Dating In Autumn

If you’re planning a first date, it’s often best to do it somewhere public. Maybe you can grab a take out coffee and then go for a walk around a local park or woodland – if it’s a dry day. It could well be the perfect spot for that first kiss.

Additionally, if you’re meeting up on a colder or wetter day, perhaps a rural pub with a roaring fire will appeal. Speaking of fires… Bonfire Night is the perfect time to cuddle up and watch some fireworks together.

Meeting Your Match

With so many online dating services available now, there really is something for everyone. Whether you’re in the middle of London, or on the Isle Of Wight Dating – there’s bound to be a site and a service to meet your needs.

Alternatively, you could always meet your match by finally talking to that certain someone who’d been catching your eye on the morning commute, or in the office. Whether you’re a seasoned dater or new to the scene, there’s plenty to get up to in Autumn.

Places To Go

I’ve already touched on a few tips for dating in Autumn, but here are a few more in case you’re stuck for ideas…

• Pumpkin Picking: If your beau is as up for fun as you are, why not head off to your local pumpkin patch. Both choose your pumpkins and then have a carving competition! Personally, I think activities like this help take the awkwardness out of dates. Something about having fun helps everyone relax.
• Picnic: Who says Picnics are for Sunny days? Pack up a flask, some warm food and off you go! Personally, I love to take a flask of soup and some warm crunchy bread to dip into it. As long as it’s not raining and you’re both dressed for the elements, it’s bound to be appreciated.
• Cinema: Very cliché I know, but sometimes a trip to the cinema is perfect. You don’t even need to sit in the back row. Just lean in and enjoy the show.
• Halloween Parties:  Halloween is a brilliant excuse to dress a little more risqué than you usually would. So why not show your date that you’ve got a naughty streak too – assuming you have, of course. I shared some subtle sexy Halloween costume ideas here.

No matter where you are, there’s no reason why the changing of seasons should stop you dating. Isle of Wight Singles will be able to find just as much to keep them busy as metropolis dwelling professionals will.

Finally, if you’ve found these tips for Autumn dating useful, why not check out my other relationship posts here.

A friend confided in me recently that her partner had suggested they have an open relationship. She was really shocked by his request, but I have to confess, I wasn’t. With that in mind, today I am asking the question… How common are open relationships? Read on to find out my thoughts.

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How Common Are Open Relationships?

A quick google search tells me that open relationships have been growing in popularity in recent years. Of course, there’s no way to get an exact number without asking everybody on the planet. So I have done some maths and have some ballpark figures to share.

In 2015, the Journal of Sex Research published a study which found that more than one in five Americans have engaged in a non-monogamous relationship at one point in their lifetime. That means around 20 percent of Americans have been in one form of open relationship or another

Some Types Of Open Relationships

Open relationships can take on various forms. Generally speaking, an open relationship allows both partners to have sex with anyone they want. However, they save their emotional intimacy for each other. This means that, say a Husband and Wife partnership can have as many sexual partners as they choose, but only one romantic partner – each other. I assume sex dating sites make this approach far easier than it was, say 25 years ago.

Polyamorous – Usually, polyamorous couples have a primary partner, as well as a secondary partner. Imagine a woman who has a husband, but also a boyfriend. All parties know about one another and have an open relationship. The men won’t necessarily have sex with the woman at the same time, and both relationships are separate. Sometimes, all members of the relationship live together in one house.

Swinging – This involves committed couples exchanging sexual partners in a group setting. These “swaps” are usually a way for couples to add some “spice” to their relationship, and are especially popular among middle aged married couples.

My Thoughts

I’m happily married now, so it’s been a long time since I used online dating services. However, back in 2006-8 when I was using them, it wasn’t really acceptable to “date” more than one person at a time. Probably because your profile tended to be open to people writing on it. I was recently thinking about how dating in America is so much different to dating here. No strings dating seems to be less taboo there.

I guess it boils down to what you want from your relationship. If you love your partner but aren’t really up for experimenting in the bedroom yourself, an open relationship can be a great way for your partner to “let off some steam” without being unfaithful. It also means you can have that brief encounter yourself, without feeling guilty about it.

An open relationship should never be used by one member of a couple as a way to get away with sleeping around if their partner is 100% monogamous. As long as both parties are 100% agreed on their open relationship and they always have safe sex, I see no problem with it.

Finally, why not check out my relationships and sex category.

Recently, I am noticing more and more talk about what women are up to in the bedroom. This has made me wonder… Are women more adventurous in the bedroom now? I’m 30 something, and have never really discussed my bedroom antics with my friends. I am, by no means a prude, but it’s just not something I ever discussed in depth. So when I was recently asked how long it took me to orgasm, I was somewhat taken aback.

Disclaimer: This is a partnered post. 

Are women more adventurous in the bedroom now?

I was a big fan of the 50 shades of Grey series, and that book trilogy definitely got women talking. Did you read those books? My husband was pretty pleased when he spotted it on the nightstand, that’s for sure! I suspect it definitely opened up discussions in many other marriages too. Ana Steele seems to have inspired a generation of women to explore more than traditional “vanilla” bedroom antics…!

Vanilla is so last season.

A single friend recently told me she had decided she didn’t want to get into another serious relationship. Instead, she’d been doing some bdsm dating. She explained the site is just like a regular dating site, but without all the lies. She likes that she can be honest, and that she can meet up somewhere safe, have an incredible night and not have to worry about them calling back, or what comes next.

I’m all for women being able to play safely, so I can see the appeal. I’m happily married, so I won’t be discussing my BDSM hookups any time soon.

Healthy Sex Life Benefits

It’s not just young women being more adventurous in the bedroom now either – I read this article recently which said that over 50s are having the most adventurous sex of their lives. I can understand that. The kids have flown the nest, and suddenly couples have all this free time to fill…! We all know Sex is a great way to relieve stress, so why not experiment and discover new things together?

Intimacy isn’t just good for reducing your stress levels either. A healthy sex life can help to keep your heart healthy, and reduce your blood pressure. Research in Pennsylvania found that people who had regular sex, had higher levels of an important illness-fighting substance in their bodies… Immunoglobulin A. The levels were 30% higher in those who had sex once or twice a week, than in those who had none at all. (Don’t get too excited though – stroking a dog has the same effect on your immunoglobulin A levels).

Body Confidence

It goes without saying that confidence plays a big part in women feeling empowered enough to explore different things in the bedroom. While I have always been open to trying lots of things, talking about them is another matter entirely. The recent body confidence movement definitely seems to have opened up more discussion about bodies, sex and confidence.

What do you think? Are you talking about sex more, or open to trying more things in the bedroom? Finally, why not check out my other relationships and sex posts here?

More and more people are meeting their significant other online these days. It seems it’s more common than meeting in a bar – that’s for sure! With that in mind, today I am sharing some tips on staying safe when online dating. Whether you are just talking online, or if you decide to meet in the real world, there are some things you should do to make sure you’re safe.

Staying safe when online dating

Online Dating Sites

• When you register for an online dating site, you’re usually asked to put a photo of yourself onto your profile. Be mindful that you cant be 100% certain the person you are talking to is using their actual photo.
• When setting up your online dating profile, make sure you keep it vague. Putting your town is fine, but don’t tell people where you live. Imagine if they knocked on your door…?
• If you want to meet people local to you, choose a local dating site – this Staffordshire dating site is a great example.

• Set up an email account just for your online dating or chatting. That way if it gets hacked at any point, none of your security information can be found there. This is one tip I was given for staying safe when online dating about 13 years ago – it was definitely a good one.
• There are plenty of free dating sites, but in my experience, the people using ones which cost money are a bit more trustworthy…!
• Never share personal details like passwords, emails, mother’s maiden name, bank details etc. Most of us think this is obvious. Imagine you’d been talking to someone for a few months. You thought you got on great and then your bank account was cleared out…? You’d mentioned your mother’s maiden name, the name of your first pet and your favourite colour in the past 2 months at one point or another. They’d hacked your email and changed your online banking login – clearing you out in the process…?

Chatting To Potential Dates

• If someone introduces themselves with a request for naughty photos, they probably aren’t looking for long term romance.
• Remember that if you send photos to someone, you have no control over what they do with it. Be sure you’d feel comfortable with any photo you send being shared all over the internet before you send it.

Meeting in person

• If you’re doing online dating and hoping to find someone local to you, a quick google of a term like dating sites in Staffordshire should find one local to you.
• Never meet someone in an isolated or private place. Bars, coffee shops and garden centres are all great ideas. Maybe even a museum if you want to squeeze in a bit of culture?
• Before you agree to meet someone in public, I’d recommend a quick FaceTime video, WhatsApp video or Skype chat – just so you can make sure they really are who they say they are. You don’t need to share your phone number to use those services. This is a great way of staying safe when online dating. Especially if you’ve set up an email account just for online dating. Register whichever video calling service you want to use, using that email address for extra protection.
• Tell someone where you’re going and when you’re likely to be back.
• Make sure you have a friend on standby to bail you out should you need it. I once went with my friend when she was meeting a guy she had chatted to online for ages. Yes, I felt like a spare wheel for most of the night, but they’ve been married for 8 years and have 3 kids now, so it was worth it.

I hope these tips for staying safe when online dating have been useful – have you got any more you’d like to share?

You can find more posts about online dating here.

One of my friends has recently become single. She was saying last week how excited she was to be single for Halloween. (I’ll change her name to Claire for the purpose of this post). She’s excited about being able to browse loads of subtle sexy halloween costumes and not have to worry about what her other half thinks of her choice. Claire’s planning on letting her hair down, good and proper. We spent some time last week coming up with ideas, and I thought I’d share some today.

She has plans to go out for drinks first, so doesn’t want something too indecent, but wants to turn some heads – if you know what I mean!

Subtle Sexy Halloween Costumes

Our first subtle sexy halloween costumes idea was for her to be a:

Sexy biker chick

Claire’s already got a leather look biker jacket, and she was thinking Faux leather pants, a slashed tight fitting band tee (revealing a red bra underneath), and a pair of over the knee boots as well. Claire already has most of the items – it would just be the boots she would have to buy, so this choice wouldn’t cost her too much. Her hair is black, so it would have to be a wig if she opted for coloured hair like that pictured below.

We were talking about where she is going, and Claire said she had a date lined up with someone she met on a Manchester dating site. She is meeting him for drinks and is then going off to a large Halloween party. Claire has the option of taking him along too, if the date goes well.

Another outfit possibility we came up with for subtle sexy halloween costumes was a:

Sexy fortune teller

The idea was she would wear a corset – which would show off her ample cleavage. She could then team this with a long, flowing skirt and black ankle boots. Something like the below image but with bare arms and chest. Claire was thinking of adding a black, velvet cloak too. This would keep her warm but also keep her assets visible.

I was more than a little concerned when Claire said she was meeting someone she hadn’t met before while dressing so provocatively. She told me she had been talking to the guy via dating sites in Manchester for weeks, and was meeting him in a bar where she knew the staff. One of her other friends was meeting her there to go on to the party too, so Claire wouldn’t be alone with him at all. Have you considered online dating? I was surprised to see it’s so popular now that there are even sites specifically for over 50s dating.

Our third and final idea for subtle sexy halloween costumes was:

Pagan Witch

We aren’t talking warty, big hat wearing witch here – We mean sexy, smouldering Wiccan goddess… I thought a black or purple dress with a low cut front. Then possibly a cloak similar to the one mentioned for a fortune teller above would be great. Our idea for this would be plenty of dramatic highlighting and dark red lips.

What do you think of these ideas? Would you consider wearing any of the three? I’d definitely be up for dressing as any of these if I were going to a grown ups’ Halloween Party.

One of my friends got divorced last year. She asked me recently what my thoughts were on online dating. This friend is a good 10 years older than I am… I had to laugh a little when I told her I was using dating websites long before she said “I Do” to Mr Wrong. I remember registering for Love at Lycos way back in 2005. Dating websites weren’t really talked about, back then. They were almost like a dirty little secret.

My Online Dating Experience

Things have definitely changed in the 13 years since then. Smartphones have made online dating a real time thing. It was all emails and then MSN once you felt brave enough back in my day.

My friend said she had read this article, which suggested people weren’t being honest when they set up their profiles. She was worried people had exaggerated or lied on their profiles, which is why they aimed higher. I pointed out that the same could be said for someone you met in a bar. They could say they were a pilot, a divorcee or childless, when in actual fact, they were a stay at home dad, who’s wife was home babysitting?

I think when it comes to online dating, you have to be realistic. Keep your wits about you and take what people say with a pinch of salt… At least until you weed out the time wasters. Your inbox is likely to be filled of men wanting to exchange naughty photos with you. I’d advise blocking those members – unless that’s your kind of thing, of course! (Just don’t expect to share a honeymoon from them)!

Divorced Online Dating

I’ve never used divorced dating sites, but I suggested maybe she try one of those first, to avoid the younger crowd. (My friend wanted someone closer to her age, who didn’t want to make babies)! I think my friend was hoping I would talk her out of trying online dating, but instead, I encouraged her to give it a try!

She confessed at this point that she had already registered for we love dates, but hadn’t updated her profile. I helped her set it up and then the next day she phoned to update me on her online dating adventures so far… She said her inbox had been going crazy with messages, but most of them were unnecessary admin emails. Once she updated her notification settings, she only got a few emails telling her who had been checking out her profile.

She said she’d liked the look of a few of the faces, but not quite enough to pay the membership fee. (You have to subscribe before you can read inbox messages from members). My friend says she will stick with it, and will join up if she gets an inbox message from someone she likes the look of. I’m quietly optimistic that online dating will help build her confidence, even if she doesn’t find My Right.

Have you tried online dating? I’d love to hear your experiences.

You can find more of my lifestyle blog posts here.