For the first time in a very long time, I am feeling optimistic about the future. I have always lived my life in the here and now, and been reluctant to plan anything for fear of letting anyone down or being let down. (Life as a special needs mum and someone who has depression and exhaustion to deal with, I usually make my plans at the start of each day so that I can assess how I am feeling and plan accordingly).
After living like this for the past 5 years, I have realised that I haven’t really been living – I have been existing. If I want to break the depression circle, I need to get out of my comfort zone. I have done several things in recent weeks to push myself into doing this…. Firstly, after a long talk with hubby (who also has some serious health issues to deal with), we decided he should reduce his working hours and take on more of the caring, while I would pick up the slack and monetise my parent blog.
I also set up GirlsGospel with the intention of slowly growing it as a lifestyle blog, and a space where I could be me, rather than “mum” – if that makes sense? That has snowballed though, and I have enjoyed my little online sanctuary so much, I have found myself writing far more content than I had planned for GirlsGospel, and it is picking up traffic and readers faster than I imagined. (That’s only because I have been reading and commenting on so many other blogs – I’m not kidding myself into thinking this is a super blog, or anything, don’t worry)!
While these changes may seem small to some, they appear to have made a massive difference to my outlook and my depression. I guess I feel useful again, because I am contributing to the family income. (Before our son was diagnosed with Autism, the plan was always that I’d go back to work once our youngest a year old). My depression kicked in around the time I realised I couldn’t physically do a 9-5 and be up all night with our son, as well as attend all his appointments and get him to and from school 11 miles from home.
So for me, I guess I feel optimistic about being a contributor again. After watching my hubby struggle for years to work enough to make sure the mortgage was paid, being able to lighten his load and help make ends meet has definitely left me feeling more optimistic about the future.
Fingers crossed it’ll continue!